They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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