she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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