I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
