i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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