New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I forget how to act sober
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
