i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
