I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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