I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
