You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
