I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
