I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
