I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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