Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize