So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
