I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
