Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
