So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
