we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
