no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
