I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
