I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
