Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
