looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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