i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
