How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
