Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
