My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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