If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
