When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
