he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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