So drunk its hurt
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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