weddingsv make me drug and hornr
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
