The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
