just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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