Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
