The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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