I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
