I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
