I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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