Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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