life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
