I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
