My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm like, not good at living.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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