i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
