you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
