he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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