I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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