so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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