foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
