shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I supernannyed him into submission
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
