i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
