i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
