Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
